Healthy Attachment: The Foundation of Relationship

It is common today for people to see attachment as unhealthy in relationship. This is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of what healthy relationship requires, and that there is a difference between healthy, secure attachment, and unhealthy, insecure attachment.

Feeling safe in our relationships is crucial to being able to feel connected to each other. Of course it is true that absolute safety can never be guaranteed in the relative world. But as long as we don’t feel basically safe in ourselves, in our bodies, and in connection with those we are closest to, we will struggle hard to be able open our hearts, express the truth of who we are, and feel truly fulfilled in relationship. This can lead us feeling deeply disconnected, isolated and suffering around the basic human need for stable, consistent, loving relationships with others.

One of the strongest areas of research in psychology is called Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory and research tells us that when we are very young, we either establish a secure attachment – a secure, connected feeling of safe bonding – with our caregivers, or an insecure one where we don’t feel safe and at ease with them. What makes Attachment Theory so powerful is that it also shows us that the type of attachment we develop with our caregivers at a young age – secure or insecure – goes on to be how we relate as adults.

Secure attachment can be defined very simply: Generally, and in situations where we feel vulnerable, we assume we are safe. That is, we feel safe with those we are in relationship with. We feel safe when they leave us to go somewhere else. And we feel safe when they come back.

Insecure attachment is easy to define. Generally, and in situations where we feel vulnerable, we assume things are not safe. We either get needy (please don’t leave me), avoidant (leave me alone, I need distance), or painfully trapped somewhere in between. Having adult relationship while you have an insecure attachment pattern is extremely challenging. It can bring up constant cycles of trauma, suffering, fear, dread and sensed disconnection.

About 40% of people in the Western world have insecure attachment patterns. That’s a lot of people.

I believe that every human should have a basic understanding of attachment dynamics and what their attachment style is, and how they can develop more and more self-connection, sensed safety, and self-care to support them to have more sustainable and fulfilling relationships.

The good news is that if we have an insecure attachment pattern, we can change. We can learn to transition into secure attachment. This takes a deep re-wiring of the way we relate to ourselves and those we relate with. As long as we can do this from a place of genuine and growing self-connection, it can be an amazing journey of ever deepening self-love and self-discovery. Of course this supports us to be able to have more and more stable and connected relationships with others too.

I actually see consciously learned secure attachment as one of the most advanced levels of personal development. Such a person feels safe in themselves, in their body, in life and on the earth. Their soul has truly landed.